Why Most "Difficult Conversation" Training is Absolute Rubbish (And What Actually Works)

Related Articles:

• Managing Difficult Conversations
• Workplace Communication Strategies

Here's something that'll make you spit out your morning flat white: 87% of workplace conflicts could be resolved in under ten minutes if people just stopped being so bloody precious about everything.

I've been consulting in organisational development for nearly two decades now, and I'm absolutely sick of watching perfectly intelligent adults turn into emotional toddlers the moment someone disagrees with them. Yesterday I watched a senior manager at a Melbourne tech firm spend forty-five minutes "preparing" for a conversation about an employee's tardiness. Forty-five minutes! To say "mate, you need to rock up on time."

The Real Problem Isn't What You Think

Most difficult conversation training focuses on scripts and frameworks. Complete waste of time. You know what makes conversations difficult? Fear. Pure, unadulterated fear that someone might not like us anymore.

I used to think it was about skills. Spent years teaching people the PEACE model, the DESC technique, all that corporate nonsense. Then I realised something that changed everything: the people who were genuinely good at difficult conversations weren't following any model at all.

They were just being honest.

Not brutal. Not rude. Just honest.

The Three Types of "Difficult" People (Spoiler: Two of Them Aren't Actually Difficult)

After facilitating hundreds of team development sessions, I've noticed something interesting. Most people we label as "difficult" fall into three categories:

The Genuinely Difficult: About 15% of the population. These are the people who argue with the sunrise. They're energy vampires who thrive on conflict. You can't reason with them because they don't want solutions - they want drama.

The Misunderstood: About 70% of supposedly difficult people. They're usually just passionate, stressed, or communicating in a different style to yours. I once worked with a Brisbane engineering firm where the "difficult" project manager was simply German. In Germany, directness isn't rude - it's efficient.

The Stressed-Out Normal People: The remaining 15%. These are your everyday colleagues having a rough patch. Their kid's sick, their mortgage is due, their boss is breathing down their neck. They're not difficult - they're human.

Here's the thing nobody talks about: most "difficult conversation" training assumes everyone falls into category one. It's like teaching people to deal with crocodiles when they're mostly encountering stressed-out golden retrievers.

What Netflix Got Right (And Why Your HR Department Probably Got It Wrong)

Netflix famously has a culture of "radical candour." People love to quote their culture deck, but they miss the crucial point: it only works because they hire adults.

I'm not saying everyone needs to adopt the Netflix model - frankly, most Australian workplaces aren't ready for that level of directness. But they understand something fundamental: difficult conversations become exponentially easier when you treat people like grown-ups who can handle the truth.

Your typical HR-approved conversation goes something like this: "I've noticed some opportunities for improvement in your punctuality performance metrics going forward." What you actually mean is: "You're late every day and it's pissing everyone off."

Guess which one actually gets results?

The Five-Minute Rule That Changed Everything

About six years ago, I was working with a construction company in Perth. The site foreman, big bloke named Dave, was having issues with a subcontractor who kept showing up late with the wrong materials. Dave had been "managing the relationship" for weeks.

I asked him: "What would you say if this was your mate doing this to you on a weekend project?"

Dave laughed. "I'd tell him to get his act together or piss off."

"Right. So why are you treating a professional relationship with less respect than a personal one?"

That's when I developed what I call the Five-Minute Rule: if you can't have the conversation you need to have in five minutes or less, you're overcomplicating it.

The Script That Isn't a Script

Forget everything you've been taught about conversation frameworks. Here's the only structure you need:

1. State the obvious: "We need to talk about X."
2. Share your perspective: "Here's what I'm seeing..."
3. Ask for theirs: "What's your take on this?"
4. Find the solution together: "How do we fix this?"
5. Agree on next steps: "So we're both clear, you'll..."

That's it. No PEACE model. No DESC technique. No emotional intelligence assessment.

But here's the bit that makes people uncomfortable: you have to actually mean it when you ask for their perspective. You can't just be waiting for your turn to talk.

Why Australians Are Actually Terrible at This (Despite What We Tell Ourselves)

We love to think we're straight-talkers. "Aussies tell it like it is," we say. Bollocks.

We're passive-aggressive masters. We'll bitch about someone for months before having a direct conversation. We'll say someone is "pretty good" when we mean they're brilliant, and "not too bad" when we mean they're useless.

I've worked with teams in Singapore, London, and throughout Australia. Want to know where people are most afraid of direct feedback? Sydney. Specifically, the eastern suburbs. The higher up the corporate ladder you go, the more terrified people become of saying anything that might offend.

The Uncomfortable Truth About Emotional Intelligence

Here's something that'll ruffle some feathers: most emotional intelligence training is designed to make difficult people more comfortable, not to actually solve problems.

I'm not saying EQ isn't important. But when did we decide that being emotionally intelligent means never making anyone uncomfortable? Sometimes discomfort is exactly what's needed.

I was running a conflict resolution session in Adelaide last month. Two team members had been avoiding each other for six months over a disagreement about project priorities. Six months! The actual conversation took twelve minutes and ended with them laughing about how silly they'd been.

The problem wasn't that they lacked emotional intelligence. The problem was that they'd been taught to avoid discomfort at all costs.

What Actually Makes Conversations Difficult

It's not personality clashes. It's not communication styles. It's not even genuine disagreements.

It's the stories we tell ourselves about what will happen if we speak up.

"They'll think I'm aggressive." "They'll get defensive." "It'll make things worse." "I'll hurt their feelings."

Most of these stories are complete fiction. But they feel real, so we act on them.

I used to avoid difficult conversations because I was convinced I was "bad at them." Turns out I wasn't bad at conversations - I was bad at tolerating the temporary discomfort that comes with honesty.

The Three-Question Test

Before any conversation you're dreading, ask yourself:

1. What's the worst thing that could realistically happen? (Not the catastrophic movie-script version in your head, the actual realistic worst case.)
2. What's the cost of not having this conversation? (Hint: it's almost always higher than the cost of having it.)
3. Would I want someone to tell me this if I were in their position? (If the answer is yes, you have your answer.)

Stop Training People to Be Nicer

Here's my most controversial opinion: most difficult conversation training is actually making the problem worse.

We're teaching people to be so careful, so considerate, so wrapped up in managing everyone else's emotions that they never actually address the real issues.

I worked with a Melbourne marketing agency where the creative director spent three months "building up to" a conversation about a designer's poor performance. Three months! By the time she finally said something, the designer had produced six more terrible campaigns and the client had started asking for a different team.

When we finally had the conversation, the designer's response was: "Why didn't you tell me this months ago? I had no idea there was a problem."

The Goldilocks Principle of Workplace Honesty

You want to be direct enough to be understood, but not so direct that you damage the relationship. It's like Goldilocks and the three bears, but for feedback.

Too soft: "I've noticed some opportunities for improvement in your stakeholder engagement methodologies."

Too hard: "You're completely useless at managing clients."

Just right: "The Johnson account is frustrated because they're not getting timely responses. We need to fix this."

See the difference? The third version is specific, factual, and solution-focused. It doesn't attack the person, but it doesn't sugarcoat the problem either.

Why Timing Matters Less Than You Think

People obsess over timing. "Is this a good time?" "Should I wait until after the project?" "Maybe Monday morning is better than Friday afternoon?"

Here's a secret: there's never a perfect time for a difficult conversation. There are terrible times (middle of a crisis, in front of other people, when someone's just received bad news), but there's no perfect time.

The best time is usually now.

I've seen people wait for the "right moment" for so long that the moment became irrelevant. The problem got worse, resentment built up, and what could have been a five-minute conversation became a formal performance management process.

The Follow-Up That Most People Skip

Here's where most people stuff up: they have the difficult conversation, everyone feels better, and then they never mention it again.

Wrong.

The conversation is just the beginning. The real work happens in the follow-up. You need to check in, acknowledge improvements, address any lingering issues.

I once worked with a Sydney financial services firm where a manager had a great conversation with an underperforming team member. They agreed on specific changes, set clear expectations, everyone left feeling positive.

Three months later, nothing had changed, but no one had followed up. The manager assumed the problem was solved because they'd "had the conversation." The employee assumed the manager had forgotten about it because it was never mentioned again.

What They Don't Teach You in Communication Training

Most communication courses focus on speaking skills. Fair enough. But the real skill in difficult conversations isn't talking - it's listening.

Not active listening. Not empathetic listening. Not any special type of listening.

Just actual listening.

When someone tells you something that surprises you, don't immediately start formulating your response. Sit with it for a moment. Ask a follow-up question. Try to understand their perspective before you share yours.

This sounds obvious, but watch people in meetings. The moment someone says something they disagree with, they stop listening and start preparing their rebuttal.

The Myth of the "Difficult Person"

I used to believe some people were just naturally difficult. Twenty years of consulting has taught me something different: most "difficult" people are just people having difficulty.

They might be struggling with unclear expectations, competing priorities, personal issues, or feeling undervalued. None of these things make them inherently difficult - they make them human.

The genuinely difficult people - the ones who thrive on conflict and drama - are rare. But we treat everyone like they're in this category, which creates more problems than it solves.

Why This Matters More Than Ever

Remote work has made difficult conversations even more difficult. It's easier to avoid someone when you don't see them every day. Email and Slack give us more opportunities to misinterpret tone. Video calls feel more formal, so we're less likely to have casual conversations that might prevent bigger issues.

But the fundamental principle remains the same: most problems get worse when you ignore them and better when you address them directly.

The companies that figure this out first will have a massive advantage. While their competitors are tiptoeing around issues and hoping they'll resolve themselves, they'll be having honest conversations and actually solving problems.

The Bottom Line

Stop overthinking difficult conversations. Stop waiting for the perfect moment. Stop trying to manage everyone else's emotions.

Just be honest, be respectful, and be willing to listen.

It's not rocket science. It's just harder than rocket science because it requires you to be brave.

And if you're still not convinced, remember this: the conversation you're avoiding is probably not as difficult as you think it is. But avoiding it definitely makes everything more difficult than it needs to be.

Now stop reading articles about difficult conversations and go have one.